President Donald Trump has been eager to find an excuse to “take control” of America’s cities. He has fantasized about filling them with troops, militarized police, or just generally treating them with an “iron hand” (though his own grip strength is reportedly flaccid). He thinks he has found his casus belli in the August 3, 2025, violent thrashing of 19-year-old DOGE boy Edward Coristine, more commonly known as “Big Balls,” and has ordered federal law enforcement to patrol DC for at least a seven-day operation.
So far, there are two conflicting versions of events from that Saturday-into-Sunday night when Big Balls got his balls handed to him. Former president Elon Musk said:
“A few days ago, a gang of about a dozen young men tried to assault a woman in her car at night in DC. A @Doge team member saw what was happening, ran to defend her and was severely beaten to the point of concussion, but he saved her. It is time to federalize DC.”
Mr. Musk should spend less time worrying about the political world, which has already bid him good riddance, and work harder trying to make his Robotaxis function.
The DC Metropolitan Police, meanwhile, reported:
“On Sunday, August 3, 2025, at approximately 3:00 a.m., the suspects approached the victims, who were standing next to their vehicle, in the 1400 block of Swann Street, Northwest. The suspects demanded the victim’s vehicle and then assaulted one of the victims. During the assault, an MPD cruiser pulled into the block causing the suspects to flee. Two of the suspects were apprehended by the on-scene officers. One of the victims was treated on scene by DC Fire and EMS for injuries sustained in the assault.
A 15-year-old juvenile male and a 15-year-old juvenile female, of Hyattsville, MD, were arrested and charged with Unarmed Carjacking.
This case is under investigation by MPD’s Carjacking Taskforce, which comprises MPD detectives and agents of the FBI Washington Field Office. Multiple suspects remain outstanding. Anyone who has knowledge of this incident should take no action but call police at (202) 727-9099 or text your tip to the Department’s TEXT TIP LINE at 50411.
The Metropolitan Police Department currently offers a reward of up to $10,000 to anyone who provides information that leads to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons responsible for a violent crime committed in the District of Columbia.”
So, already, we have to assume Mr. Musk’s reporting that Mr. Balls risked his life in defense of a stranger is either careless or dishonest, and intended to manipulate regardless. Bodycam footage, 911 calls, and dispatch logs could be clarifying. They should be released immediately. MPD is currently denying FOIA requests, citing juvenile privacy and that this is an ongoing investigation—which is fair!—but the president is spinning this now. If we have to talk about whether or not DC should be federalized on account of this incident, then we must Zapruder that motherfucker.
Mr. Trump’s tweets on his knock-off social network fall mainly in line with the MPD’s, except he is a deranged tyrant and seeks to exploit Big Balls getting busted up as part of his dictator fantasy.
“Crime in Washington, D.C., is totally out of control. Local ‘youths’ and gang members, some only 14, 15, and 16-years-old, are randomly attacking, mugging, maiming, and shooting innocent Citizens, at the same time knowing that they will be almost immediately released.”
Why the fuck is he putting “youths” in scare quotes? What the absolute fuck is the implication there? (Probably racist.)
“They are not afraid of Law Enforcement because they know nothing ever happens to them, but it’s going to happen now! The Law in D.C. must be changed to prosecute these ‘minors’ as adults, and lock them up for a long time, starting at age 14.”
I think a lot of people have a lot of opinions about juvenile crime, but it is not common for an American president to fantasize about 14-year-olds being “locked up” for a long time.
“The most recent victim was beaten mercilessly by local thugs… If D.C. doesn’t get its act together, and quickly, we will have no choice but to take Federal control of the City, and run this City how it should be run, and put criminals on notice that they’re not going to get away with it anymore. Perhaps it should have been done a long time ago, then this incredible young man, and so many others, would not have had to go through the horrors of Violent Crime. If this continues, I am going to exert my powers, and FEDERALIZE this City.”
I do not believe federalizing DC is one of the president’s “powers,” nor do I think it would be a good use of the White House’s time. If Mr. Trump wanted to run DC, he ought to have run for its mayor. It should be noted that crime in the District has been trending significantly downward for more than a year now, so all he really needs to do is publish those stats and take credit for it (credit that belongs to the brave men and women of law enforcement, but if it shuts him up, he can have it).
I do believe that Mr. Balls got his ass beat by teenagers—that much is obvious from the photo of him laying shirtless and bloody on the pavement. But the police report states that this occurred around 3:00 a.m. on the 1400 block of Swann Street NW. I know that intersection well—that is right outside DC’s legendary Black Cat nightclub. In fact, that Saturday I had put on my leather jacket and aviators to attend their ‘80s night “Right Round,” but instead ended up at the keyboard writing “The 2016 Election Interference for Dummies Like Tulsi Gabbard“ and chronicling Mr. Trump’s latest economic crashout. A shame—it sounded like a good show, though perhaps if I had gone out, I would be the one bloody and Mr. Balls would be the one talking shit.
I have some doubts that the streets would be so empty at exactly “Last Call”—the hour when the streets are refilled with revelers starting their journeys home. Perhaps Mr. Balls was at the Black Cat that night, too, enjoying the best hits of Billy Idol—that would explain what he was doing riding around at 3 a.m. I wonder if he was drunk, or on drugs, as is the fashion among reckless youth at nightclubs. To be clear, I am not “alleging” or “asserting” the DOGE boy was “flying high” or in a “k-hole” like his mentor, Mr. Musk, merely “speculating,” as this would be one plausible context to the “courage” that would suggest he could fight ten other teenagers. If the DMV is now being threatened with a fascist’s boot, then history deserves a full accounting, not a sanitized one. And if Mr. Balls were stone sober, simply and innocently passing through the nightlife district on the way home from a long night at the office, or acting as a DD—and the regional jokes that the “real heroes” were the “Hyattsville kids who stopped a drunk driver” turn out to have been in poor taste—I will buy him a drink as an apology when he turns 21.
If Mr. Musk’s account is accurate, and Mr. Balls attempted to “be a hero” and stop a stranger’s carjacking, well, he drastically overestimated his martial capacity. If the DOGE boy was targeted, as per the police report, for a random carjacking—which seems likely, as he is both young and appears a bit slight—his choice to confront the attackers instead of handing over his keys was ill-advised. Let us review, as Mr. Balls has not, the Washington DC Metropolitan Police Department’s “Public Safety Tips to Avoid Carjackings”:
“Always remove your keys and lock the car doors.
Lock your doors immediately upon entering, even before you put the keys in the ignition. Keep the doors locked at all times while in your vehicle.
Secure your vehicle, even if parking for ‘just a minute.’ Remove your keys, lock all your doors, and close your windows.
NEVER leave your engine running and vehicle unattended while you run into your home, a convenience store, while pumping gas or anywhere else…
Park in well-lit areas, when possible, near sidewalks or walkways. Avoid parking near dumpsters, large vans or trucks, or anything else that limits your visibility.
Always be aware of your surroundings when idle at traffic lights and other locations observing people and vehicles around you…
Don’t resist or argue, especially if there is a weapon involved…
Get away from the area as quickly as possible... [and]
Above all, remember: give up your property – don’t put yourself at risk to endanger your life. Vehicles can be replaced, but you can’t be.”
Please understand I am not trying to be a cunt or to “blame the victim,” but Mr. Balls chose to fight instead of flee—he was lucky nobody had a gun.
I do not deny that things can get dicey in DC—in 2017, I evaded several robbery attempts in the District only through luck and situational awareness. Once, when I was “tailed,” I walked into traffic, so that by the time the youth was ready to grab for my messenger bag, he had to flee to avoid being hit by a bus. Another time, I overheard somebody on his cell phone describing a donkey wearing aviators and a suit, and I realized he was identifying me to another person approaching from the other side of the street. I leapt into the Hexmobile, sped down K Street, and got myself a nasty photo enforcement ticket. The District can be dangerous at times, as can Richmond, Atlanta, any major city, minor suburb, or dark country road. This is to say, Dear Reader, I do think crime is bad and should be stopped, but not the way Mr. Trump proposes.
U.S. Park Police, United States Capitol Police, Metro Transit Police Department are joining the Metropolitan police department and visibly patrolling the city. I do not feel particularly agitated about this. The FBI, ATF, and DEA accompanying them is sketchier, but at least they are trained. What scares the shit out of me is that ICE is also said to have joined the fray. We have seen how the rogue agency has conducted itself in recent months—masked, plainclothes officers disappearing people from the streets and sending them to overseas prisons, the stuff of dystopian fiction. Under Mr. Trump’s “Big Bitch Bill,” they have had their funding ballooned to the size of some nations’ armies. The Department of Homeland Security has started trying to recruit teenagers to their ranks—presumably to make it nearly impossible but to compare them to Nazis. If this is how the president subjugates us, I wish he at least picked a more salient cause.
Update: I retract earlier speculation, wherein I wondered if an intoxicated Mr. Balls got “spun right round like a record baby” while stumbling out of the Black Cat's Billy Idol-themed '80s night. After speaking with Black Cat management, I learned the party ended at 2:00 a.m., not 3:00 a.m. (when Big Balls got his ass handed to him by teenagers). This timing makes it unlikely he was among the leather-jacketed revelers before his ill-advised attempt at street heroics.