Why Cocaine Mitch Voted “No” on Pete Hegseth.

A turtle finally emerges from its shell.

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the former leader of Senate Republicans—affectionately called “Cocaine Mitch” by enemies within his party—voted against Fox News host Pete Hegseth’s nomination to be America’s Secretary of Defense. I had hoped we would see more brave conservatives take a stand against this farce—then, it might have been stopped—but I will appreciate that Mr. McConnell, as well as the erstwhile moderates Senators Susan Collin (R-MA) and Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) thought to serve something greater than their political party.

The twice-divorced, serial adulterer, and problem drinker Mr. Hegseth has been called an “abuser of women” by his mother, a drunk by his colleagues, has paid $50,000 to silence a woman who accused him of sexual assault, his ex-sister-in-law claims that his second ex-wife had to hide from his rage in a closet. Like a slob, Mr. Hegseth has shown up to his Sunday show on Fox News still wearing gin-stinking clothes from the prior evening’s drinking binge. He has claimed half the country is the enemy, disparaged women in uniform, and embarrassed his colleagues by shouting “kill all Muslims” in public. This guy fucking sucks. His nomination is abominable. We are promoting an unworthy man to lead the United States military.

Imagine if some soldier thought he was a role model, if every serviceman were to emulate this cretin’s lifestyle.

This is a disgrace. And the turtlish Mr. McConnell, having been disgraced on and off since he entered the United States Senate in 1985, must have finally had enough. Make no mistake: the fault for President Donald Trump’s enshittification of our once-proud nation lays squarely on Mr. McConnell’s shoulders as a consequence of his complete abdication of civic responsibility during Mr. Trump’s second impeachment, when he both declared that the orange clown was responsible for the Capitol Insurrection on January 6, 2021, and that the Senate should not convict him because he would rather some other governing body be blamed for saving the country from this very same nightmare we are living now.

Mr. McConnell has said Mr. Trump is a “despicable human,” “stupid,” “ill-tempered,” and “unfit for office.” When asked about this, he reminded reporters that “[w]hatever [he] may have said about President Trump pales in comparison to what JD Vance, Lindsey Graham, and others have said about him.”

Mr. McConnell surprised the nation by choosing this time to do the right thing. Cynics would suggest this was a calculated defection, that we should not expect him to vote with conscience if it would actually terminate a nomination. Maybe! But must we be so cynical? Perhaps we could expect Mr. McConnell to continue to fight on as a brave member of the Resistance. Tell the furrier to prepare for him the finest of pink pussy hates. If America is to survive this current Trump administration mostly intact, we shall need him to keep up this good work.