Trump's Cabinet is Unserious AF
AF="As fuck." Good Lord!
Of late, I hate how often I hear the word “unserious.” It sounds too fun; it fails to connote the grim scenario the United States faces under GOP rule. American politics has become a farce, but I feel no joy when I am laughing. I promised myself I would not go malding over the parade of horribles that has been Donald Trump’s Cabinet nominations, yet here I am, malding. To wit:
Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard: Guest host of Fox News’s Tucker Carlson Tonight, homophobic Hawaiian cultist, former DNC vice-chair, militant Bernie Sanders supporter, pick-me, Syrian Dictator Bashar Al-Assad superfan, 🐍🐍🐍. She’s on the No-Fly list because she’s assumed to be a Russian asset (even nicknamed “our girlfriend” by Russian state TV). Note the Cruella DeVille streak in her hair, coding her as a villain.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth: Fox & Friends weekend host and sloppy drunk, covered in white nationalist-adjacent and generally trashy tattoos, including the Jerusalem cross, Crusader and Dark Souls-enjoyer motto “Deus Vult,” and the AR-15 rifle (beloved among gun nerds for its LEGO-like modularity, this weapon is more commonly associated with mass shootings). He might be a violent rapist. His Mom said he was an “abuser of women” who “belittles, lies, cheats, sleeps around and uses women for his own power and ego.” Fox News colleagues indicate he’s thrown out of bars often. In other words: He’s a piece of shit alcoholic.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr: Half Kennedy, half brain worm, all conspiracy theorist, appears to believe we should bring back Polio. Former talk radio host on Air America’s progressive Ring of Fire. Called Mr. Trump Hitler and his supporters Nazis, but made him President anyway. Friends say he “lost his mind.” Once caused a deadly measles outbreak in the American Samoa. His ex-wife killed herself after finding the diary wherein he meticulously detailed his affairs because—I don’t even know why you would do that. 43 women were labeled “G” for “goomar” in his phone. Tony Soprano would be embarrassed—you can hardly invoke the Shaggy defense if you take notes on your adultery.
Secretary of State Little Marco Rubio: Formerly Never-Trump Senator who could not land a simple dick. While he once called the Donald a “con artist” who “spent his entire career sticking it to the little guy” and pisses his pants, now little Marco licks those boots clean. The sanest choice the incoming administration has made, despite having been debased.
Attorney General Matt Gaetz:Frankenstein-looking coke fiend frat boy ephebophile who could not stop Venmoing teenagers for sex even after becoming a Congressman. He withdrew from considerationin advance of this report.Attorney General Pam Bondi: Second choice to Matt Gaetz. Notoriously corrupt bimbo. Mr. Trump previously and publicly paid her off like one of his porn stars to make the Trump University fraud case go away.
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem: South Dakotan governor, sycophant, and psychopath who failed to recognize bragging too enthusiastically about killing dogs and donkeys will engender shock and horror even among people who regularly euthanize dogs and donkeys.
Medicare and Medicaid Administrator Dr. Mehmet Oz: The “Doctor Oz” of daytime TV fame. His former boss denounced him euphemistically “for many reasons.” I never watched his show because I actually have to go to work during the day. It didn’t seem very good. He seems to want to fuck up Medicare, which will suck for seniors. If retiree Trump voters were depending on those programs, they must hope the TV doctor can do more than sell snake oil.
Secretary of Education Linda McMahon: Wife of the World Wrestling Federation’s Ed McMahon, named in a child sex abuse lawsuit. Perhaps she could hang out with Gym Jordan. I have never watched professional wrestling, but it never seemed like educational programming. It is difficult to imagine Linda has anything but ignorance to contribute as Secretary of Education.
Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy: Real World contestant. Fox News contributor.
Ambassador to the Bahamas Herschel Walker: Unhinged lunatic who once held a gun to his wife and threatened to blow her brains out. Former NFL player,
Surgeon General Dr. Janette Nesheiwat: Fox News contributor.
Border Czar Tom Homan: Fox News contributor.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Scott Turner: Former NFL player for the Washington Football Team, San Diego Chargers, and Denver Broncos.
Special Envoy to the United Kingdom Mark Burnett: Producer who pioneered reality TV with "Survivor" and "The Apprentice." Accused of suppressing “Apprentice Tapes” showing Trump using racial slurs. Publicly tried to strange Roseanne Barr’s ex-husband Tom Arnold over those accusations.
Does that dumb motherfucker know anybody he has not seen on TV?
I promised myself that I would focus only on uniquely terrible transition stories. Too many brave #Resistance warriors permanently fried their cortisol receptors in the ugly December of 2016. The sense of righteous outrage that powered us then doesn’t hit the same after the COVID-19 pandemic, the kids in cages, the Capitol Insurrection, and Charlottesville. Will Rogers said: “We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can,” but these are not good laughs. The doom is no longer comic. One million, one hundred and four thousand Americans are dead because Mr. Trump is an idiot. What punchlines still punch?
I have come to understand that this plan was lazy. We should not take for granted that the voters will magically "know" these people are terrible just because we sophisticated Axios-consumers have been reading about them for years. Going into the 2024 election, "conventional wisdom" said that "voters don't need to hear why Trump is bad. They need to hear why Kamala is good." Sounded reasonable enough, but it was wrong. The real October surprise was news reporting that Gen Z voters had never seen the Access Hollywood tape. It would have been worth our time to go through the litany of Mr. Trump’s sins, even if doing it again felt exhausting.
People say the #Resistance tactics were cringe, but in 2018 we won back the House. In 2020, we took the whole trifecta: the House, Senate, and Presidency. Hammering Mr. Trump and his appointees every day, even at the risk of being repetitive or feeling hysterical, has produced results. Democrats are completely out of power. Our only weapon is talking shit and mockery. We are ethically obligated to prove these fools are fools.
Even joylessly, I will laugh. I cannot stop laughing at Mr. Trump, despite knowing the horrors his stupidity has, could, and will wreak. If they truly intend to use the military to kill the “Enemy Within,” and that “Enemy Within” is just the haters and shit-talkers who will not pledge allegiance to the mad king, then I am in a pickle. I am not brave. I would bear the shame of complying with a dictator’s whims if it meant the protection of my friends, pets, and family. I cannot do this with Mr. Trump. I could not compliment him with a straight face. I can hardly get out of bed without roasting this dumb motherfucker. If I were to bend the knee, I would choke snickering.
Hell is empty, and all the devils are joining his Cabinet. How do we reconcile the horror with the slapstick? Aphorisms scrawled across many women’s coffee mugs: “I love to laugh.” “Live, laugh, love.” “Laughter is the best medicine.” We instinctively call this pablum, but it might be wisdom. Laughter is a weapon that strips damnable men of their façades.
It can also numb us to legitimate fear. Did Mr. Trump dancing to sex offender Drake’s “Hotline Bling,” for example, trick us into believing such a fool would never amount to anything?
Did Obama’s White House Correspondent’s Dinner roast of Mr. Trump cause us to assume he would be in shambles forever?
Sure.
A case can be made that Mr. Trump ruined late-night comedy by making the hosts’ jobs too straightforward. Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee, John Oliver, and Trevor Noah all had easy nights where all they needed to do was read the day’s news in a mocking voice. Nightly CNN and parody shows were indistinguishable. Often I found myself enjoying Jake Tapper instead of Seth Meyers because I prefer my jokes in deadpan.
We should use laughter and caricature to highlight and hammer home one point: Mr. Trump's Republican party is stupid and evil.
I pulled up the Barenaked Ladies’ song, “Humor of the Situation,” while typing this:
“As I walked out, I thought about all I had left behind me. I felt a chill because I was still wearing the emperor's new clothes. My mind was racing with each chance that I had missed while your next-door neighbor soaked me with the hose. I have never felt so small, I’ve never been so dissed as I shiver, dripping, while the chorus goes: Come on now, now, come on now, now, enjoy the humor of the situation.”
Even naked, wet, and miserable, the situation is something to chuckle about. There will be real cruelty and despair. To communicate this, we should talk shit, make jokes, mock. Do not let these lunatics forget that sane people find them ridiculous.
There is a tactical purpose to this. Anyone who has laughed in the face of a screaming man knows it doesn’t calm them down. It makes them crazier and, more importantly, insecure. It creates an insidious wound in their self-confidence. When your adversary wants to intimidate you, making them risible damages that capability.
Undecided voters, of course, don’t want to be laughed at. By exposing the buffoonery of the Republican Party, the swing voters will be certain to dissociate themselves from the faction everyone’s laughing at—they don't want to be the joke.
Ultimately, Mr. Trump and his creatures have chosen to be clowns. Expose the circus. One way to do this is to buy the “Trump is a Bitch” shirt from our Spreadshop.
With this shirt, you can let everyone your fellow Americans know that you see this stupid shit, and you’re not afraid to call it like you see it. You’re not afraid to tell it like it is. You’re willing to come out and say what everyone’s thinking: Donald Trump is a bitch.