The GOP Civil War Ruined My Happy Holidays
Classic MAGA figured out Big Tech's grift before I even finished wrapping presents.
Fuck you, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy. I hope everybody else had a lovely Christmas (or as I like to call it, Holidays).
The so-called MAGA Civil War, detailed elegantly here by Heather Cox Richardson, Lo could
not have come at a less convenient hour. My previous article, President Musk, If You Would Become Republican, had to be rushed to publication in advance of my expected schedule.
I spent many winter nights meticulously reading Elon Musk’s tweets in chronological order so that I could better understand that man’s character and evolution. I had only gotten to the year 2018 when I checked X to see #Melania was trending. To my dismay, she was not caught canoodling with one of the Donald’s employees, like was alleged of Marla Maples. Messrs. Ramaswamy and Musk jumped the gun and fucked me over.
Mr. Musk is nothing if not a prolific communicator, and I felt I could not fairly address his record until I consumed a significant bulk of it myself. This is my curse: I might be willing to say some wild shit over a Long Island iced tea at Washington DC’s Off The Record speakeasy, but I respect the influence my newsletters have among the District’s power players, movers, and shakers; I would not want them paraphrasing my jokes and talking points unless they could verify the underlying facts with hard blue hyperlinked articles from the Atlantic or Axios. Unlike the youth influencers on TikTok, Twitter, and YouTube, I am an old-school blogger. That means something to me. An Internet commentator has got to have a code.
While decent Americans were spending time with their families, Mr. Musk still could not shut up:
Seriously, who is typing some shit like this with their fucking thumbs on Jesus’s birthday? Ebeneezer Scrooge would have thought him a bit too focused on the pecuniary.
I am a bit more of a Shawn Hunter than a Corey, but, nonetheless, I see no cause for beloved sitcom archetypes to catch these strays.
Their inflammatory tweets, likely the result of poor impulse control stemming from recreational drug abuse, have already revealed the fissures between the ketamine-inspired Silicon Valley techno-anarcho-capitalism they cribbed from Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash and classic, racist MAGA. I had planned for this MAGA Civil War to start AFTER I had the time to carefully research and revise that essay highlighting the same. But these rich bitches know how to “read the room” of an explicitly nativist (or frankly, racist) political faction worse than me, and I have been asked to leave Trumpy establishments for my ribald shit talk and truth-telling more than once (twice).
So now the crazy Trumpists are on the warpath and Musk, mask slipping, is identifying MAGA Republicans as “retards.”
Elon Musk Endorses Post Suggesting Americans Are Too ‘Retarded’ To Do Skilled Jobs
Steve Bannon Labeled Elon Musk a ‘War Profiteer’ Who Would Take a Check ‘From Adolf Hitler Himself’
Former GOP Rep Ridicules Elon Musk for ‘Strangling’ Free Speech On X: ‘Lay Off The Ketamine’
There’s a strain of political voyeurism wherein mischievous liberals microwave a bowl of popcorn so that they might enjoy watching “leopards eating faces,” a reference to this 2015 meme:
r/LeopardsAteMyFace is a subreddit that exists to share examples of people suffering at the hands of the leaders they voted for. We all knew they would have their share of gore in the new Trump Administration, but that shitshow has not even started yet! Of course, I abhor this sentiment. It is with no great pleasure that I warn my fellow citizens that Republicans who promise to do evil things will do evil things, and when people are inevitably harmed as a result of Republican policies, I believe it is best to extend to the injured a hand of friendship and to give them an informational lecture, not a jeering one. (But then, I suppose I cannot begrudge Americans who matriculated in the Trump era for having been nurtured in an environment of such cruel and funny schadenfreude.)
I hope this is the first of many wake-up calls.
To the tech guys who had tricked themselves into thinking the modern GOP would be their ticket to techno-utopia: No, these “they took our jobs” motherfuckers are the same today as they were when you first encountered them on South Park Season 8, Episode 4, “Goobacks” in 2004. You got more racist. They did not become more civilized.
To the hard-working blue-collar men and women in rural America: Ignore what I said in the previous paragraph. Understand that Messrs. Musk, Ramaswamy, and Trump are the very outsourcers, downsizers, and snobs who treat your lives as disposable. They never respected you. They never will. Now, knowing this, be vigilant to how else they might have tricked you.
Please, continue fighting.
Before my holiday vacation has ended, I am already being dragged back to the keyboard! My friends, we are rushing a “Deport Elon Musk” t-shirt into production to best capitalize on this anger in the coming days. In the meantime, you may enjoy our signature “Trump Is a Bitch” merchandise.
