Redress Deez Nuts
The bullshit lawsuit against J. Ann Selzer tells us plainly that Donald Trump is a crying bitch.
President-Elect Donald J. Trump, notoriously a crying bitch, has decided to prepare for his unfortunate return to Washington, not through prayer, contemplation, or study, but by avenging his self-esteem for minor injuries. One target of his maleficence is Iowa pollster Ann Selzer, who offended by releasing a poll suggesting he might not be as beloved as he wished. In the end, the good people of Iowa loved him truly, but that makes no difference—the insult is the injury. He is suing Ms. Selzer for consumer fraud, which he dubs “election interference.”
I ask that you print and read the filing yourself. Whatever chilling effect this case might have had will be warmed by laughter. You can find it at:
https://nebraskaexaminer.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/Trump-v-Selzer.pdf.
Mr. Trump’s attorney, Edward Andrew Paltzik, is a marvelous writer. Each of his sentences is an opportunity to sneak in another adoration or bit of needling. This is a well-polished work. He set about to properly gas up his client and did so magnificently. I wonder if this unqualified praise is by Dear Leader’s instruction, or if it were Mr. Paltzik’s initiative. You can tell from the first words that “this is gonna be good”:
Paragraph 1:
“Plaintiff, PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.”
At the time of this writing, Mr. Trump is not the president.
Paragraph 5:
“Defendants and their cohorts in the Democrat Party.”
There is no such thing as a “Democrat Party.” There are two major political parties in the United States of America: The Democratic Party and the Republican Party. “Democrat Party” is meant to be rude, like when over cocktails my friends will call the Donald “Mr. Drumpf.” Mr. Paltzik is an educated man with a subscription to the Lexis Nexis. It would shock me if he could not properly name one-half of the country’s leading parties.
“Cohort” is a great word, I use it often.
It implies they might be a militant faction, part of a larger legion of adversaries.
Still in paragraph 5, Mr. Paltzik then describes Mr. Trump’s alleged victory as:
“an overwhelming mandate for his America First principles, and the consignment of the radical socialist agenda to the dustbin of history.”
Is that necessary? Does that have anything to do with anything? And can we put a moratorium on that Trotskyite canard “dustbin of history?” There must be more salient metaphors by now.
Paragraph 6:
“For too long, left-wing pollsters have attempted to influence electoral outcomes through manipulated polls that have unacceptable error rates and are not grounded in widely accepted polling methodologies.”
Citation needed.
Paragraph 9:
“The Democrat need for fake polling was even more acute than usual in the 2024 Election, given Harris’s many fatal weaknesses as a candidate and lack of appeal to critical swaths of the traditional Democrat base. Her incessant use of ‘word salads’—i.e., jumbles of exceptionally incoherent speech—only underscored the urgency for left-wing pollsters to try and rescue Harris’s candidacy.”
This quote cites articles from disreputable organizations Fox News and Breitbart, but like a high school English teacher, I am simply glad he made the effort:
Now, whether Kamala Harris spoke more like a salad than a hamburger is not interesting to me (though to be clear, Mr. Trump’s word vomit is that of a demented racist). But it does intrigue me that Mr. Paltzik has decided to interrupt this legal brief to provide punditry.
Paragraph 13:
“President Trump brings this action to redress the immense harm caused to himself.”
“Immense harm.”
The harm is—what? Experiencing brief confusion and uncertainty? Victory alone was not enough for the Cheeto Mussolini—he needed to feel good about himself. Unfortunately for We the People, that sense of worth must come from within. As the legendary comedian Katt Williams said in the Pimp Chronicles, Pt. 1:
“Bitches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop telling [us]: ‘You fucked up my self-esteem.’ Bitch, it is called SELF-ESTEEM. It is esteem of your motherfucking self, bitch. How am I going to fuck up how you feel about you, simple bitch?”
Paragraph 44:
Indeed, Selzer did appear on television interviews, where she shamelessly promoted her Harris Poll to drum up Democrat fervor while feigning shock at her own findings, most notably on MSNBC with left-wing extremist Rachel Maddow.
Why the heck is Rachel Maddow catching strays here?
So because Ms. Selzer is occasionally wrong, her poll results must be “fantasy” fabrications, produced in collusion with a Democratic machine that was not otherwise interested in competing for Iowa? This is silly. Ms. Selzer went on all major and minor media outlets to discuss her methodology and why her poll was such an extreme outlier.
After the election, she has been back on air, discussing how she got it wrong.
Ms. Selzer is not God; she is not required to be infallible.
If poor representative sampling were a crime, you would need to drag most middle-school science fair projects before a jury.
This is falsifiable. Ms. Selzer will produce her data, and we will see that it was, in fact, data, and she did not mock it up in a manic spurt. If some discovery process yields an e-mail where she cackles: “I will surely influence this election with a fake poll!” then I do not give a damn what happens to her. But for the opposite—if evidence shows that the polling was legitimate and the result was simply wrong—as will be the case occasionally for any sampling—will that bloviating dotard take a microphone and say, “I confess! I was wrong! I thought I was being persecuted, but I was merely paranoid!”
I do not think he would.
Will he graciously offer to pay her legal fees in apology for the false accusation, out of goodwill, charity, and chagrin?
You know he will not.
If the court orders him to pay restitution for the time wasted, do you think he will drag his feet, appeal, and shirk accountability and responsibility?
That is the kind of man he is.
So, if this case is not serious, then why file it? Reporting on the similar stupid cases against Penguin, Random House, and the New York Times for their mean stories produced this gem:
“After Trump sued the journalist Tim O’Brien for libel over his 2005 book TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald, Trump said that he had “spent a couple of bucks on legal fees, and they spent a whole lot more. I did it to make his life miserable, which I’m happy about.”
Trump Threatens New York Times, Penguin Random House over Critical Coverage
🍊🤡 is happy to inflict suffering on even non-politicians, just professionals whose work injures his delicate self-esteem. (Why I oppose giving trophies, such as the United States presidency, to undeserving children.)