Former Representative Matt Gaetz, Republican ex-congressperson from Florida’s First District, has been investigated for sex trafficking 17-year olds and generally does not conduct himself in a spirit that inspires generosity when scrutinizing his character. Still, scrutinize his character we must, because he was nominated to be the Attorney General of the United States.
Mr. Gaetz’s reputation is bad. Pete Davidson on Saturday Night Live parodied him as a “hot mess” and “full-on sex pest.”
He was not well-regarded by his colleagues in the House of Representatives. At least one elected representative has swung on him. Former Republican House Speaker Kevin McCarthy said he “belongs in jail.”
Still, I set about to look at Mr. Gaetz in the best light and still do not think he should be Attorney General. He should not return to Congress. I imagine he would be happier as a lobbyist for Big Medical Marijuana.
Mr. Gaetz loves to party and he loves President-elect Donald Trump. He is a prince among people like that. He is confident. His features are handsome, in a sculpted-by-Victor-Frankenstein sort of way, and he could sell a car anywhere in America.
Other than that, the vibes are weird. He always has a private joke—he knows he is exasperating to reporters and his friends on the left, and it makes him feel clever. He is puckish, and if he were not so conspicuously in the service of Mr. Trump, he could be fun.
People who love parties recognize Mr. Gaetz really, really loves parties. When he laughs, he evokes someone drunk and euphoric listening to 3oh!3 in a nightclub. Unfortunately, what makes him smile is “owning the libs,” which is tedious and annoying.
To be clear: Mr. Gaetz <3s drugs, man.
One of discernment sees a telltale gleam in his eyes that, when he talks about ending the Drug War, means it is because Mr. Gaetz thinks it is pretty “cool, man” to get high. Of course, I am not naive. In many of America’s small towns, businessmen of some social standing will attend gatherings where they “get down” to do a little MDMA (“molly”), like allegations against Mr. Gaetz suggest was his hobby, and many of America’s fun-having men have risked driving drunk, like Young Mr. Gaetz in 2008 (before he thought to clean up his act and become a congressman).
It could be exciting to have an Attorney General who, firsthand, knows how bad your night can get when you are riding dirty and red and blue lights catch your mirror—when the brave men and women of American law enforcement are rolling and hating.
Mr. Gaetz must thank the Lord each day his DUI charges were dropped. (In addition to having his Heavenly Father’s favor, his human father was rich.) In his heart, he certainly would want anyone coming home from Bacchanalia to receive the same second chance. He did not, however, immediately reform his rakish lifestyle and continued to party for another half-decade. Only years after he had joined the United States Congress did the congressman claim to have settled down.
If we were to go to some dirty dubstep disco, I guarantee Mr. Gaetz could outdrink me.
The best news about Mr. Gaetz’s employment in the government is the rest of us do not have to worry about sharing the road with him after a night of poor judgment.
People suggest that Mr. Gaetz’s DUI checkpoint-dodging ass might forget where he came from, but I do not agree. I think deep down, the real Matt Gaetz does not want any additional “smoke,” or “heat,” for guys who are just trying to have a good time. He wants to end the War on Drugs, and would enjoy easier access to drugs. If he could be himself (instead of masquerading as a Family Values Republican), he would Constitutionally fight for your right to party. You know this man has bought both Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park CDs from a shopping mall after school.
How vile it is that the public must beg for the House Ethics Committee to release a report on whether a nominee for Attorney General was a sugar daddy to 17-year olds or transporting them across state lines—things I imagine the fathers of 17-year old girls in Florida buy guns about. Googling “Matt Gaetz drug-fueled sex party” yields legitimate reporting.
We the People peeped his Venmo history of sending younger women allowances.
How Not to Expose Yourself on Venmo, Like Matt Gaetz
Witness tells House Ethics Committee that Matt Gaetz paid her for sex: Sources
Gaetz Paid Accused Sex Trafficker, Who Then Venmo’d Teen
We deserve to know whatever happened there before he is given any further position of public trust. It should not be up for debate.
But if he is awarded the role despite the many concerns to the contrary, I hope he remembers his pledge to leave cannabis companies alone. If he wants to end the War on Drugs, he should do that. Get good men out of prison and leave nonviolent offenders be. Instead of using the power of the state to hurt sex workers, I hope he remembers his good times with them and stands up for the vulnerable. I hope he can be the coolest Attorney General that guys who buy leather jackets have ever seen. The “swearing personal fealty to Trump” thing makes that doubtful.
Update: Mr. Gaetz has since resigned from the United States Congress and had his consideration for the role of Attorney General withdrawn in disgrace. The House then released the contents of the ethics probe, which revealed all of the mean shit people were saying about him was true. He now works for Newsmax.